[CRAZY ME] FRESH OUT Of The TOILET…

Grunting hard with your eyes almost popping out of their sockets — like a madman giving a madwoman his raging pipe — as a very thick manshit softly finds its way out of your shithouse like a prisoner obtaining his freedom… you leave the lavatory with your mind screaming “free at last” whereas it is the long imprisoned shit that just left your body that is actually “free” in this situation. Don’t mind me, I know the feeling though… like some unseen body-cuff comes on you as soon as the shit grabs you; hence you shout “I am ‘pressed’” *chuckles*

Many ideas have been playing in my head since last week but this one just kinda sticks (shit stays un-flushed) in my head as soon as I left the toilet after my daily routine this morning. So, get into your toilet to read this piece as you are guaranteed an aftereffect of feeling “fresh out of the toilet”.

No, not latrine; I am talking about toilet. Not that place you only visit just to drop that very dirty irritating part of you, as unaccommodating as a place you go to only wash away your sins. No, I am talking of a sparkling clean and neat environment where you can forget you are actually dropping smelly stuffs while you tweet hours away… some of the sweetest spots to tweet, for those who know.

I remember when I was having my youth service at Nsukka and we were having toilet issues in my lodge as you would just wake up and what you would meet in the toilet would chase you out of the lodge to do your morning liquid outpour… and it got to an unbearable point that we had to call a meeting so as to make a timetable for weekly cleaning of the whole bathroom, only for one crossriver girl to object the arrangement. I thought she wanted us to have the toilet cleaned like three times a week but she said, “Washing the toilet once a week is too much naw; we are more than this in my house but we don’t wash our toilet every week and it stays clean for like two weeks and more.” And we all just stared at her with mouths opened but didn’t mention to her that she was evidently the dirty binsh who was always leaving the place messy!

when the binsh made her toilet washing suggestion

Even if you are the only one using your toilet, it should be washed thrice a week, if not every day… and there a girl — a girl, who is even more prone to picking up toilet diseases — was advocating once in two weeks wash for a general occupant toilet. Well, she is even cool compared to some guys in my university hostel… at the very dirty and maggot-dwelling toileting joints, where we usually tiptoed to and quickly do all we had to do, are these guys’ favourite spots to light smokes. Then, I began to wonder if I am still as crazy as I believe, compared to these clinical lunatics!

I enter some toilets and I see toilet papers, instead of water, to clean my bum with like “what the F? Whoever said you should replace water with paper must be very stupid.” If you think I am so old fashion as I don’t feel comfortable with toilet papers, you should tell me if you can completely clean off your shits with the papers, especially if you are having a watery session! And it wasn’t funny the day I was hooked in one of KFC’s outlets and I rushed into their restroom… I did my thing and I was relieved, only for me not to see any water to clean up. Okay, what about toilet paper (no choice naw)? But what was staring at me was the rolling cardboard like “Sorry, LASTma.” Please, why was there no tap outlet for old-school people like me in that place? And what would you have done if you were in my shoes? My people, I walked out with my dangling ‘anaconda’ to ask for toilet papers ni oh; they sure had a crazy customer that day!

toilet like this

So sweet when I sit on the toilet bowl and press my mobile device, or just stare at the device while my other hand is busy attending to some recent hard-disk, or a girl expertly straddling to slip in the rod like you sitting your mobile device on some desktop charger. This last one is definitely the sweetest… yes; I am crazy enough to write it, and don’t pretend like you’ve not been expecting to read that part of my toilet activities. However, get your toilets clean and make sure you use water to ensure a complete wash before you introduce that girl part… to eventually have you always walking fresh out of the toilet!

#Cwaziest