Sunday 8 December 2013

BARBIE TEE’s Diary | Exotic Life And Times Of Ms. WakaWaka — Vol.4

Yawning out loud … I just woke up anyway; my oga is not in the office today, so i have nothing much doing. And body need rest, I can’t kill myself; so I just put my head on my desk and before I knew it, I don doze … then it hit me when I remembered the dream I had — in fact, a bad dream — in the dream, I saw me and Johnny kissing! God forbid, I shall never have anything to do with that houseboy in my life; maybe I am getting my own reward for punishing him, but thank God it was just a dream (CLICK HERE if you want to know what I did to Johnny). Anyways my people, make we put Johnny story for one side — good riddance to bad rubbish — make we talk about the story of today.

First of all, my people how you dey? How mama? How papa? How pikin? How uncle? How aunty? How all our padi dem? I hope say all of you dey fine. Greetings to bro Jona, our president, anybody wey see am make dem tell am say I dey hail oh. And most importantly, my greetings to baba God, the only Oga wey dey on top wey dey control the affairs of all the small oga dem — na him dey fuel my body wey make me take dey fit waka — I salute you oh, Baba God.

My people, na me your girl Miss WakaWaka of Nigeria — Barbie Tee of the World — dey hail all of you. Na me TuFace meet wey make am holla “Iheneme!” na me Timaya see wey make am shout “Chai! Chineke me!” Terry G see me and he start to dey ring bell … and na me D’Banj encounter we make am say “Kokolet! File!” I don come again oh and as Yoruba people dey talk, am make the person wey dey house tell the person wey don comot say your girl, Barbie Tee, don come again with her sweet tori.

Thanks for all the love you have been showing me since I started. You dey make me dey happy and I promise you say I no go dey fail to dey bring you all the details of all my exciting encounters. So make we go to the matter of today. I am so excited and I can’t wait to give you the full gist of one of my recent encounters but before we go into that, I want to talk about an issue that caught my interest and which I am sure will interest you too.

On my way home from work last week, the radio of the car, that I was in, was tuned to a station and the program that was on was all this matchmaking program where people can call the radio station, seeking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend. We fit even do something like that for #MikellzBluez soon, just keep checking the blog so that you won’t miss out on all the interesting things we have to offer.

Back to my story, serious traffic dey, so I was able to listen to the program from the beginning to the end. One thing that surprised me was that throughout the one hour that the program ran, it was only girls that called — not one single guy. This really got me wondering and it raised lots of questions: is it that the population ratio of women is now higher to that of men or is it that girls are now more desperate than guys? I never get answer to that question and if you get the answer, you fit put am for the comment box.

But come to think of it, times have really changed oh; gone are those days when a woman would have to wait for a man to come and ask her out and a man would have to do all the work of wooing. These days, women are now employing different tricks and styles to find a man oh. No girl is staying at ‘Surulere’ again when it comes to getting a man.

And guys, na you dey cause am — yeske, na you! Wetin you dey find again? You think that all the Mary Kay, push-up bra, Brazilian wig, witch nails and ‘aboki’ perfume are all for fashion? Hell no! It is a form of vacancy alert that she is available and ready to mingle. That lady wants you in her life; wetin you still dey find?

Seriously… I don’t know
You don graduate, don get better job and you are refusing to make a girl happy by putting a ring on her finger. You still dey roll that your ojukokoro eyes up and down. Wife one woman, so that papapa you go born all the children wey you wan born — you don’t want to spend your pension on school fees, so go and marry.

And don’t even give the excuse that there are no women to marry because women are everywhere! At home, where you live, do you think that that your female neighbour who keeps coming to borrow movie from your flat is really interested in the movie? She is not; she wants you to notice her ni. At work; do you think that your female colleague that keeps asking you for help with her computer operations doesn’t really know how to solve the problem? It is part of the tactics she is applying to make you notice her. In your church; when the pastor makes an altar call for single ladies, it is not only because he wants the congregation to pray for them, the pastor also wants all the single brothers to notice this girls … and do you think that the single lady that joined the choir in her late twenties did so because she wants to sing to the Lord alone? No! She also wants the single brothers to notice her as she is singing. So, look around you and you will see that the bone of your bone is right within your reach; go for her and you will be complete.

I don hear am before for Sunny Neji song say Bible talk say “he who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favour from God” and that good thing is right in front of you, please go for it and don’t let that sister waste all her efforts… my prayer for all the single ladies be say “God go crown your efforts”, say amen before it is too late.

The Idea…
Another funny thing about the show was the way all the girls that called described themselves — they had to describe everything about themselves — both abstract and physical. All the girls that called were like: I am beautiful, I have sexy lips and hips, I have a fine skin, I am down to earth, I am very nice, I am hardworking and religious, and I am a good cook… gbam! They went on and on saying only good things about themselves; you would think several reincarnations of the Virgin Mary were the people talking, kilode?! Aunty, you get all these wonderful attributes and you never find a man in your late thirties, why? Or why can’t you just be real and tell your potential suitors about their bad sides too?

Yes, fact is if he loves you enough he will stay, and at the end of the day, nobody is perfect — I am not perfect, you are not perfect, Mikell is not perfect, the guy you are trying to please is not near perfect — so be yourself and you will find a man that will love you for who you are; a kind of love that will stand the test of time. And guys, if you don see say you no fit cope with a girl’s behaviour, don’t deceive and waste her time; let her go so that she can find a man that will accept her for who she is. But on another note, the best way to accept other people’s flaws is to acknowledge ours. My prayers for all the single ladies and guys be say God go make you jam your perfect match… I know say you no go slow to say amen this time.

I live to see the day when someone will call and say I am the inspiration behind the name ‘atutupoyoyo’, I can only cook ‘Indomie’ and I always use girdle to hide my big tummy. Na one gallon of saliva dey comot for my mouth when I dey sleep, I have done abortion 27 times and I snore very loud when I am sleeping. I wear one pant and bra for one week, I slept with the H.O.D of my department to graduate from the university, and na when the man die I sabi who Nelson Mandela be although I dey hear the name but I think say na actor before… gbam! Say the truth it won’t hurt because if you hide, the guy will eventually find out everything; he will see your big tummy in all its glory, he will know that it is Brazilian wig that you are using to cover your ‘mama mi leko’ hair, he will know that you don’t know that it is palm oil they use to cook ‘efo’… and every hidden thing will be open to him yakata. He will even know that you can insult anything with your bad mouth… so please sisters, let that man see beneath your beautiful as Emeli Sande and Labyrinth talk am for their song.

“Heeyyy!! I can see BENEATH your beautiful!!”
I am very sure that someone will say, “Egbami! See Barbie Tee wan dey ‘cast’ us ni sha… she kon even turn love counsellor for the matter” but na so my people, I no fit see make I no talk. And if I see say you go fit benefit for something, I go talk am. And sometimes, white cloth dey comot for inside black pot….

Make I gist you jare, my oga pikin just come back from America for Christmas; I don dey see say the guy dey check me out, and you suppose trust say me sef no mind am at all… okay, to get the full gist of my encounter with Mr Tokunbo, join me next week for another trip through the exciting world of Miss WakaWaka. Till then, my people, make you dey feel fine oh. Peace.


Barbie Tee

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