Monday 25 November 2013

#MBz26 My First MEN-ONLY NIGHT With Jude - Part V

I really cannot believe we are now on the fifth episode for this very gist… I guess it has been an awesome trek of life so far, so awesome that we didn’t even notice we have walked this far. And thank God for our location right now, otherwise some Men-Only Club, Movement, Association, Union, Missionary, Brotherhood, Community, Group, Gang, Household, Couple or Person might have located us with countless lawsuits for writing a story that is painting their subnormal nature with subnormal colours. Ask Alec Baldwin, who is presently under their fire, and other popular people how they had literally brushed their mouth on the floor in apologies for saying the wrong thing at the wrong time about these very special set of humans….

*sips vodka*

Under Arrest!
But who gives a flying F? This is Nigeria; it is over a decade in jail if you hug a guy for too long in the public, dude! However, I am not saying that I am not a man-only guy — you should expect a very sexy woman, who is talking about how men are after her, to sound like she is a virgin, am I right? And to all the ladies who are already concluding about my orientation, the only way to find out is to find out!

I hope you remember that I didn’t give Jude the answer to the number of girls I have been intimate with on Twitter; neither did I discourage his many advances towards me when he mentioned me and via our chats, he must have concluded that the only way to find out if I was a man-only guy — or luckily bi — was to find out. Hence, I repeat — only to my female readers — that if you want to be sure of my status, come and find out!

I can imagine how many times the dude must have ‘fapped’ at my many twitter avatars and blackberry display pictures… it must have been so crazy that he called me and said he wanted to come and spend a weekend in Ibadan. Not really my business, I thought… until he said I would be hosting him — what? And my mind automatically played me the motion pictures of my time with Sadiq in 3D….

*gulps a bottle of vodka*

*belches* yes, I need to be really drunk to have you read the rest of the paragraph. I apologize that you will not be able to read about Sadiq on this sequel, as much as your man or woman hood is so hard to read it now. However, don’t worry, you will read it right after this sequel — I had already written out much before I discovered that the story is super interesting and it deserved a sequel of its own — so, watch out!

So, I will just jump straight to how excited Jude was when I accepted to have him spend the weekend in my home. This guy instantly told me not to worry about anything as he would be coming around with lots of money and would not bother me for anything. He even promised to ‘take me out’ — I instantly tore my boxers to see if I had a vagina!

The next month was filled with calls from this guy and I would tell him that I was either in Abuja or Lagos for some appointment or visitation as my lying compass directed. Same thing a girl that doesn’t want to give you ‘kittie’ does, right? And as a result, he didn’t call prior his traveling on the day he called to tell me that he was in Ibadan and at the major junction near my house… oh lawd!

When The Guy Said He Was In Ibadan... 
I ran out of options — the mo'effer was in the west because of me. And what was I running away from sef? If he tried nonsense, I decided I was going to murder him and dump his body inside Asejire dam! Even as he didn’t announce his coming, it would be unfair not to welcome him all the way from east… did you say I was thinking like a girl who knew she was getting a D-og later in the night? It’s alright….

Jude entered my house 3PM, and to take me out, he suggested that we went to swim — what? Best pool I could recommend in Ibadan is at Cocoa House and getting there would take an hour, so I disagreed. But he insisted that we must swim before anything and my mind was like: “is there any fucking thing with this swimming I don’t know? This guy won’t try blocking my excretion passage while we are in the pool, will he?”

No, not like I have never been to the pool with my male friends but Jude’s forced closeness just seemed awkward. Reminds me of a married guy that sold clothes to me some years ago, he claimed that he liked me and would like us to hang out anytime I was back from school — I instantly blocked him from calling my phone and didn’t even think of the free clothes I might get from our ‘friendship’ — I ran for my dear bum!

So, Jude had to shower away the dirt from his trip before we went out, and that was the first manifestation of the trouble to be expected later in the night. He came out of the bathroom while I was busy brushing my hair in front of the mirror and he stood behind me in close proximity but wasn’t touching. I thought he was sharing the mirror at first but when I looked at his face through the mirror, he was looking down. I turned around and saw that the ‘konjified’ guy had no towel on, and his enormous reptile was nodding — what the heck?

So, we went to the pool and he paid for both of us to swim. No, he paid to see me less clothed because as soon as I came out in my swimming pant, he ogled at me and was like: “so, what is there now? This is your chest after all … and that bulge in your pant ain’t bad sha.” Then and there, I knew the night would be a very long night to survive….

Vodka please?

…MikellzBluez Continues…
#MBz26 © 2013

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